Pioneers Club Podcast #3: How to Deal With Self-Doubt

Intro to the Podcast

Monika This is the Pioneers Club podcast. 

Patrick The community podcast for driven entrepreneurs and leaders. 

Monika Here you can connect with like minded people, create a sense of belonging and gain more agency in your daily life. Hi, my name is Monica and I’m your host. I help entrepreneurs and leaders with big ideas go from feeling overwhelmed, scared and confused to being clear headed, confident and focused as they go after their goals. I’m a mental and systemic coach and primarily focus on topics such as resilience, agency, high performance and goal pursuit, helping my clients thrive in their business with more ease. 

Patrick [00:00:47] And I’m your co-host, Patrick. I’m an entrepreneur in the fast paced media industry, and I help people tell stories as a producer and production manager. I work with a global network of partners to create engaging content, combining media and technology to create value and impact. I went or that through the topics of our podcast, just like you, and we’ll try to ask the questions you might have.

Why talk about self-doubt

Patrick So this week we’re talking about a topic that we all know we’ve all been through. We are all dealing with it. It’s called self-doubt. Why are we talking about it? 

Monika Well, this is the number one request that I get to talk about, actually, when it comes to as well as speaking offers. But also, it was one of the most universally agreed on topics in our life event. And it is one of the most universal challenges that I see new clients. 

Patrick And as we’ve talked about in preparing this episode, it’s one of the most complex issues, actually. 

Monika Well, it shows up in so many different ways and there are so many different sources that there is no one answer to it. There are so many facets to consider which makes it so confusing as well, and which is maybe even why people feel so confused when it comes to dealing with a topic or how to take a more empowered approach to this topic. Because all the absolute answers that try to give you one, two, three step process will likely work for some, but not for everyone. And for those who it doesn’t work for, it will then be to even more complications. Maybe, but for those who it works for, it can also then self-doubt can show up in other ways if you don’t really acknowledge the complexity of it. So we will try to keep this very practical and not go into everything while giving you a little bit of an introduction into the complexity of it as well. 

Patrick And we also said that self-doubt is something that we will talk about in all of our future episodes because it’s one form that we will experience with all the other issues that we’re talking about. 

Monika Yes, it’s just one way that a lot of other issues are underlying issues or questions or goals needs can show up as. 

What is self-doubt and how is it a good or bad thing?

Patrick So then let’s dive into our introduction to self-doubt. What is it actually? 

Monika What’s this experience of second guessing yourself all the time? Questioning your abilities, questioning your qualifications, questioning your choices, and questioning yourself as a person? This is already then where we go into the question that people ask, Am I good enough? Not only is my skillset good enough, is what I’m doing good enough, but and I as a person, good enough. 

Patrick But that’s mostly negative connotation. What is the good thing about self-doubt? 

Monika Well, most people won’t experience us as a good thing, right? So it’s this very negative experience that you have. It’s very uncomfortable as well. In fact, though, it can be a healthy sign as well, because if you are very interested and driven and visionary and I know that this is true for the two of us, but also for our listeners, then you will constantly go out of your comfort zone. You will constantly look for ways to grow, to learn, to try new things, to broaden your horizon. And with this, there will always come this moment of doing something for the first time, trying something new, and just getting the feedback of, Hey, this is something that I’m not really efficient yet. This is something that I’m not familiar with. And self-doubt in these moments can really be just a good moment of reality. Check to check in with yourself and be like, Wait a second, is there something that I have still to learn? Is there something that I have still to research or get information from others?

Patrick So it’s basically a system of checks and balances to improve myself. 

Monika Yes, it can be. This is why I always like to do a reality check with my clients first before we pathologize the thing, the whole topic, or we make it more about a personal limitation because sometimes it really is a very healthy way of dealing with reality, which is just new for you. I would be much more worried if people went into new things, went out of their comfort zone and were completely naive or arrogant all the time. Right. So there is this possibility that you are just checking in with yourself and really appreciating reality for what it is doesn’t mean that you need to let it stop you, though, right? If you acknowledge that this is this self-doubt is just a sign of you needing to learn something or do something, then just go learn and do it. If it does stop you, if it does hint more towards a personal limitation, then you will want to look at other needs that might be hidden behind that. 

Sources of self-doubt

Patrick Maybe that’s already what we should discuss next. Where is the self-doubt coming from? 

Monika Usually when people ask this question, they hope to answer two questions with one answer, and this is Where is the self-doubt coming from and how do I deal with it? The answer is not the same, though. So let’s address first the where does the self-doubt come from, really? And I’m sorry to say, but just like we said before, it really is complex. There is no one source that will justify all kinds of self-doubt for all people. There can be so many situations and experiences that might trigger self-doubt. It can be something that you have learned from your family system, from your working environment. It can be something that you have internalized from other people talking about you or other people talking about themselves. It can be that you are overwhelmed. It can be that you have fear of success. So there is so much, which is also why people get so confused. If you are trying to answer, how do they deal with it? In this way, you will get even more confused and then you will start doubting yourself even more probably. 

Patrick And I guess it’s also everyone has probably dozens of different reasons for their own self-doubt. 

Monika Yes, it can be a complex mix of things and there may be one core need, but to filter that out through a variety of experiences that you are still emotionally connected to, this is just a challenge to work through by yourself. 

Patrick But do I have to figure out where exactly it’s coming from in order to deal with it? 

Monika As a coach, I’m more focused on the solutions and on the present. Of course, the source is important because it will change how you want to approach a topic and what you want to focus. But the misconception is that you need to find out first where it is coming from to then deal with it. And sometimes, or oftentimes it’s actually the other way around by getting active and starting to deal with it, you will gather the information and find the answers that will lead you to this source, and then you are even more empowered. So it’s a little bit of a twisted approach and people’s perspective, but so much more enriching and informative because you’re dealing with your reality and not just some theoretical psychological concept. 

Coaching exercise: How to deal with self-doubt and overcome it

Patrick And on that cue, that’s actually perfect for our coaching input for this episode because we were talking about keeping it a bit more practical this episode. So let’s dive into what can you give our listeners to help them deal with self-doubt? Yes, we know there’s not one single source of truth. There’s no one right answer. But what can they start doing to address it? 

Monika My tip is to find your own recipe, to deal with your individual manifestation of self doubt. Because just like we already said, you won’t probably get rid of it once and for all. It’s something that will show up continuously again and again whenever you grow and whenever you have like a big step or something. But the efficiency and the mastery comes in when you know how to deal with it and when you know how to live with it in a way where it becomes more of a partner in crime and an informant compared to someone who is opposed to everything that you do. And that is resistance, right? 

Patrick I’m sure you have some guidance for our listener. 

Monika Well, I’m going to give you a little introduction that people can do into developing their own recipe. We already started with the first point in our last episode. First point is always start observing yourself, start observing your experience of self doubt. In psychology, we like to talk about the inner parts. So this self doubt is part of you and I would advise everyone to start really taking notes on where and when this part shows up. When does it get triggered? How does it get triggered? Does it get triggered by experiences, by moments? Does it get triggered by people? Comparison Perfect example of how to trigger self doubt. When does it get triggered? How does it then show up? Does it show up like this inner voice that is telling you that you’re not good enough, that you can do it? Or is it showing up like physical nervousness, like cold hands and wet hands, like avoidance, procrastination. I know for a few clients, analysis paralysis is the way that self-doubt really loves to work. 

Patrick But what do I do then when I have all my observations, I have let’s just say I have my notes, I have sweaty hands. Sometimes I like to avoid some things, I procrastinate. What do I do with this information? 

Monika So this is where you take a little bit of a counterintuitive approach and ask yourself, how is it good that this is happening? What does having self-doubt in this way – what does having cold hands or doubting myself in this moment to hold back – what does this allow me to do? 

Patrick Can I even do that by myself? You’re a coach. You’re used to helping people go to that point to find a good. But how can I do that myself? 

Monika Well, it takes a little bit of practice. I’m going to be honest. This is not an easy question to answer. There is a lot of resistance that comes up with this. First of all, because people oftentimes feel as if having a reason for something means having an excuse for it to stay this way. And they don’t want that. Of course we don’t want that. But this doesn’t mean that. It just means acknowledging that there is a purpose, a need that is trying to be fulfilled by you behaving in this way. And once you know that, you can change your approach, but of course, it’s easier if someone can help you. However, if you are able to bring yourself to go into a more curious state and observe yourself as if you were observing your best friend, for example, then you might find it easier to take a little bit of a humorous approach and even provoke yourself a little bit. I don’t know. For some people, this works very well to provoke themselves in a way where they would get themselves to acknowledge a very good phrase to use. Even though I find it hard to accept this, the good in experiencing self doubt might be and then try to answer it. And in most cases you will find that it is either a protection mechanism, it is trying to keep you safe because you feel that in some way or another you are going to be threatened or it will be something that you have learned and you are just staying loyal to a version of yourself or to the system. The family that has taught you that this is the way to behave with yourself, with others, whatever environment you’re in. It is not easy to find the purpose. It is not easy to find the good. But I promise you, there is something to it. We don’t do things without a reason. 

Patrick And whatever have the purpose. Then we’ve had step one, observation, step two, finding the purpose. We have that now, and people have answered it for themselves. What do I do with that purpose, then? 

Monika Okay, so now you have two options. First option, try to fulfill this need and this purpose in another way. Try to take care of it. Just like if you knew that you will be hungry after 5 hours and you go on a hike, you would take something to eat with you, wouldn’t you? So if you know that you have this need for protection, try to take care of it in advance. Take care of your mental and emotional needs. If this doesn’t work, if the resistance is too strong, you can go into a little bit of a different approach and ask yourself what is the cost of being loyal and listening to my self doubt? What is this costing me? Because oftentimes the self doubt will be very good at showing us how we might embarrass ourselves if we did what we want to do, how we might fail. But we don’t have this mirror on the other side to look at. Okay, what is the cost of staying this way in self doubt? And once you feel the costs rising and you get more aware of it, you will be more activated probably to do something against self doubt. And then you can come back to the purpose and try to fulfill it in another way. 

Patrick That doesn’t really sound like an easy thing to do, though. It might be just three steps that you just told us, but it’s still extremely hard, probably for the first time, just to observe yourself, take the judgment and the emotions out. So practice, practice, practice, probably. 

Using humor & your support network to make it easier

Monika Yes, it is. It is not that hard once you know how to do it. But of course, if you’re stuck in this experience and it feels just so close and intimate right now, of course it’s going to be hard to go through this process in this moment. My tip would be find someone who can make it humorous for you. Humor is one of the best ways to shift your perception of something. And if you feel that everything is closing and the things are getting too tight and too tense. Humor is such a great way to lighten things up and to open up your mind and perception again. I laughed so much with my clients when it comes to the inner critic or the little devil that we talk about, because once you know that this is just a part of you that is trying to protect you or fulfill a need, and it is doing so in a very clumsy way, it becomes so much more fun to find new ways of dealing with it. 

Patrick So it’s a bit of taking it serious that there is something, but taking yourself not too serious while doing it. 

Monika Yes, that’s beautiful. That’s a beautiful way of phrasing it. Take it serious in a way that you will not oversimplify it. Oh, I just need to tell myself affirmations. If this works for you. If you have tried it, go for it. In my experience, affirmations will often not work if you have not done the foundational work. 

Patrick It’s a bit too simple. 

Monika It’s a little bit too simple, too fast. On the other hand, don’t take yourself too seriously in this experience because it is just you trying to do something with your self and you just don’t know yet how to do it. 

Patrick That’s also what we’re here for. We are trying to provide a support network for everyone who’s joining our community to not go through that process alone. 

Monika Yes. So this is what I would hope that we give people with this episode as well. A little introduction into the topic, but also a little bit more of an empowered and actionable episode with a cheeky twist. Maybe a humorous introduction into not taking it, not taking yourself in this experience too seriously so you are more flexible again.

Patrick And maybe some of our listeners would like to share some of their experiences with us. Maybe they want to share with us how they experience going through your coaching input, for instance. 

Monika Yes, definitely. I would be really happy to hear if there are any questions, but also if there are just stories to share because in sharing we also know that it becomes so much easier to deal with a topic. 

Patrick If you enjoyed this episode. Share it with your fellow entrepreneurs so they can listen to simply grab the link to this episode or grab the thing to the podcast and send it to them. If you’re looking to join our tribe of movers and shakers to gain a sense of belonging and get fresh ideas and insights, be sure to join our Pioneers club community. The links waiting for you in our show. 

Monika Also, don’t forget to connect with us on LinkedIn or Instagram and let us know. What was one helpful thought or insights you gained from this episode? Have any questions or ideas for us? Head over to our LinkedIn, our Instagram pages, and tell us we read every submission and would love to answer your questions in a later episodes too. So thanks for joining us. 

Patrick See you in the next one.