Looking back at the first season of our podcast, we discuss the core lessons that helped us throughout the journey of creating something new.
How can you communicate more clearly? Discover the 4 core elements of every message + some major communication tools in our new podcast episode.
Time to read: 15 minutes
Monika [00:00:07] This is the Pioneers Club podcast.
Patrick [00:00:09] The Community Podcast for driven Entrepreneurs and leaders.
Monika [00:00:13] Here you can connect with like minded people, create a sense of belonging and gain more agency in your daily life. Hi, my name is Monika and I’m your host. I help entrepreneurs and leaders with big ideas go from feeling overwhelmed, scared and confused to being clear headed, confident and focused as they go after their goals. I’m a mental and systemic coach and primarily focus on topics such as resilience agency, high performance and goal pursuit, helping my clients thrive in their business with more ease.
Patrick [00:00:47] And I’m your co-host, Patrick. I’m an entrepreneur in the fast paced media industry, and I help people tell stories. As a producer and production manager, I work with a global network of partners to create engaging content, combining media and technology to create value and impact. I went or live through the topics of our podcast just like you, and will try to ask the questions you might have.
Patrick [00:01:14] So welcome back to this week’s episode, and we’re talking about something that acknowledges the last two episodes. We talked about self-doubt. We talked about comparison. And this week we’re acknowledging that we talked about it, that we’re reflecting about it, that we’re working on ourselves, and now we want to change. Now we want to do something different because we realize that there is more potential and there’s something that we want or need to change.
Monika [00:01:43] Yes, that’s often the moment where you have dealt with self-doubt and you are ready to own your vision, to own your own strengths, to stand up for yourself. And then you’ve also learned how to compare yourself intentionally and, therefore, are more aware of what you want and don’t want. And then you oftentimes get to this point where you are more clear on, “This is the way to go or this is not the way to go, and I need to change.”
But how do you do that if you’ve been doing something for years already? And if you’re in a habit of doing things in a certain way and other people expect it from you as well, right? How do you make this shift then?
Patrick [00:02:22] And also, I think it’s about accepting yourself, the way you are working, you want to work – how to move forward with this certain way of doing things.
Monika [00:02:32] That’s a huge challenge. Accepting yourself despite the resistance that you might get from other people then because you are so much more accepting of what is right for you, what works for you, what doesn’t work for you. And maybe this is different to what other people are doing. You need to be really rooted within yourself to then know exactly how to stand up for this new choice or this new awareness of yourself.
Patrick [00:02:56] But how then can I change? I mean, I did all the work from our past two episodes. I’ve worked on the self-doubt. I worked on the comparison. I took all the positives from these two. And now I’m trying to change something. I’m trying to accept myself, that I’m doing things differently. What’s the first step?
Monika [00:03:14] Well, the first step is to not rush into it, right? Because what I see oftentimes, also with my clients, they are so eager to draw conclusions, right?
So now you have stopped doubting yourself. You know how to stand up for yourself. You have stopped comparing yourself to the wrong people and you know more of what you want. And I have an idea of where I want to go.
And then usually people get impatient and they start rushing forward. They are, “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.” And want to draw conclusions before they have actually done the search that you need to do in order to become so focused and clear on what it is that you want to create.
Patrick [00:03:52] I kind of get that because you just want to do something new and you can’t wait that this new thing, this new way of work, actually elevates you to a different level then.
Monika [00:04:03] Of course, and that’s exciting. And also it feels as if you’re… if you are holding back, maybe this will lead you towards doubting yourself again, if you’re not rushing forward and getting these quick wins, right? Maybe you will start doubting or getting insecure or hesitant. So, let’s go. Let’s go all in.
I understand it perfectly well as well. But if you don’t do the groundwork, you will start stumbling later on.
Patrick [00:04:28] So what’s the groundwork?
Monika [00:04:30] The groundwork is to do the search work. And what I do, what I mean with search is that you actually go within and ask yourself, “What has happened in the past?” and really do a little bit of research. We would call this in business due diligence. You would look at what has happened until now and you are clear, “Okay, I don’t want that anymore, but what do I want instead?”
Usually this comes with two questions that you need to ask yourself.
First, what do I want to remain the same? So what is good about what is here now? Because usually people would throw out the baby with the bathwater. And this is too much of a risk oftentimes to take. And it will also lead oftentimes to then afterwards regret and doubt, because there were good things about what you did and there might have been things that you did subconsciously in a way that fulfilled a certain need. And if you just let go of everything, it’s always like going back to point zero and starting again.
Patrick [00:05:32] So I don’t always have to go back and change the complete system. Sometimes it’s just taking the good things, keep them and then just changing some certain negative things that I don’t want to continue.
Monika [00:05:45] People will ignore how powerful little shifts and changes are and to what they can build up to if you do them intentionally. But yes, what we don’t want is actually when we want to change, we want to build on everything that we have done. We don’t always want to engage in creative destruction where we rip ourselves off all the benefits of what we have built until now. No, we want to change and we want to grow. But we want to build on what we have done so far.
And then once you have asked the question, “What do I want to remain the same?” or “What do I want to keep having/doing?” Then you can ask yourself, “Okay, what do I not want anymore? What do I want to let go of?”
But it’s not enough to just know what you want to let go of. You need to ask yourself, “What do I want to be there instead?”
Patrick [00:06:31] I think that’s an important question to dive in a little deeper here, because maybe some people might think that it is very complicated what needs to be there, how does this thing that needs to be there look like.
Is it very complex? Is it very big or can it be just a blueprint of what I want to change?
Monika [00:06:49] Not at all. It’s not complicated at all. Rather, it’s an awareness shift in choosing where to focus your attention. And if you continue to ask this question, things will get clearer. And then, of course, it will be complex. But at the beginning… yes, this would be again, the trying to draw conclusions too quickly. Where people would then go, “Yes, but how?” What should be there instead? And they would rush into the how. No.
Monika [00:07:14] Let’s take an example. You have started to own your worth because you don’t doubt yourself anymore that strongly. You are aware of your strengths. You are not comparing yourself to the wrong people anymore. So now you want to also own your worth in communicating with other people. This may be potential clients, partners, etc. but you really want to charge and also show up in a way that acknowledges the value of what you’re offering. So you might say, “I don’t want to be nervous anymore”, or “I don’t want to play small anymore.”
Patrick [00:07:47] Not that easy to do, though, because it’s a very broad thing, actually.
Monika [00:07:51] Yeah. But you get there if you start asking the question, “What do I want to be there instead?”
Do you want to be assertive or do you want to be humorous and not take things too seriously? These are very different approaches and choosing where you want to go and how things should change will make it easier for you to then go to the next step.
Monika [00:08:12] And this is to find examples of how to do it differently. If you know where you’re going, it will be easier to find these exceptions to what you have been doing before.
Patrick [00:08:22] So exceptions just means there are certain things that are out of the system that still work. Doesn’t mean the entire system is changing. It’s just certain aspects that can be different and I need to find them and implement them into how I work and need to actually find out if that’s even working.
Monika [00:08:40] Yes, very well explained. In coaching I work with exceptions because they are so powerful.
You can look for exceptions within yourself. When do I find it easier to assert my worth? When do I find it easier to be relaxed? And then analyze these situations and what allowed you to do things differently there.
Or you might also want to look at exceptions using other people as reference model, other ways of doing things, other ways of working within a certain system where you can say, “Oh, well, this might work. It’s different to what I’ve been doing or what others are doing, but it’s been shown to work.”
Patrick [00:09:17] Am I then back into comparing myself?
Monika [00:09:19] Yes, there you are. But it is very intentional and different because you are already in this deeply rooted state, but also in an analyzing state where you are just curious and looking for solutions instead of judging yourself and judging other people’s solutions.
Patrick [00:09:36] So that’s already sort of a coaching input from you, how to do this, how to change. But if I’m ready to change, what does it actually take to change? Because it’s not a process that happens overnight. It’s not something that I’m doing from one day to the other. It takes a long time. It takes a lot of work. But what does it take mentally from myself to get through that?
Monika [00:09:59] That’s true. This explanation or these approaches that I just explained are something that I would do in a process with my clients just over, let’s say, 2 or 3 sessions, the analyzing work. But then I would give them a lot of time in between the sessions to put it into practice.
It does take a lot of courage, a lot of acceptance, a lot of open mindedness and curiosity to keep exploring things, then to see what works. Because sometimes as well you will find – intending to do things differently, and you already have this outlook, let’s say, you have your what is there instead – and then you find out, Well, this is not exactly it, though. And to not get discouraged at this point, but keep going on and keep growing, it takes a lot of courage, acceptance, open mindedness, and also risk tolerance.
Because what I hear oftentimes is that people are willing to take the risk, willing to take the leap if someone is going to guarantee them that it works out.
Patrick [00:10:58] Which is not really taking a risk, because if we knew it would work out well, not a risk and we would all do it.
Monika [00:11:05] That’s it. To be really risk tolerant, you have to have this endurance of this transitional time as well, where you are just unsure of how things are going to unfold. Where you need to hold the space – this is what I often do and talk about in coaching – hold the space to just endure the ambiguity, the not-knowing.
Patrick [00:11:28] Which is probably the hardest because every entrepreneur is, as you just mentioned before, straightforward into action, wanting to do something fast and get to the change, get to the new standard basically.
And then you’re just in this trial and error mode where you just have to wait that okay, is it working out or is it not working out?
Monika [00:11:47] Yeah, that’s why one of the most radical interventions that I can give my clients is usually – and they are these driven and passionate, ambitious entrepreneurs – is usually, don’t change anything yet. This is really a challenge for them because this demands to endure things and go into this searching state before then taking the risk to actually implement the changes. We are going to talk about risk tolerance next time as well and how to do it more intentionally.
But staying in this state of knowing that you’re going to change, being ready to change and not changing it yet? Oh, yeah. Takes a lot of patience.
Patrick [00:12:29] A lot of energy. Not that easy, actually.
Monika [00:12:32] Not that easy. But once you learn how to do it, it gets more fun because then you find freedom within that.
Monika [12:40] But this is also… This time of the year is perfect, actually, to do just that. Because, right now, we all are finalizing the past year, thinking about and reflecting hopefully on how things went. We are comparing what we set ourselves as goals, what we actually achieved, how things went, what came unexpectedly as well. A lot of times we don’t account for the unexpected.
Patrick [00:13:04] Well, especially in entrepreneurship, a lot of things are unexpected during the year.
Monika [00:13:09] Yes. So taking this time where you are not already going into taking new actions, but taking this time to reflect on everything that’s happened and that led you to be there where you are now. And then do this searching work, just as we have talked about it now, in order to then be ready for the new year. This is a great way to finalize and really wrap up the year.
Monika [00:13:35] So I invite you to do just that, to take these next few weeks, even if it’s just for a few hours on the weekend. To do this reflecting work, to acknowledge everything that you’ve done so far in this year, draw your conclusions about where you want to go and then do the search work.
Now, if you want a little bit of more of guidance and support along this way, I invite you to join me on Instagram where I have a new free guide for you, offering several coaching prompts and journaling prompts for you to go deeper, to take several questions and just reflect on everything that you’ve achieved.
This kind of work will allow you to introduce the new year with more focus and intentionality.
Patrick [00:14:18] If you enjoyed this episode, share it with your fellow entrepreneurs so they can listen to Simply grab the link to this episode or grab going to the podcast and send it to them. If you’re looking to join our tribe of movers and shakers to gain a sense of belonging and get fresh ideas and insights, be sure to join our Pioneers Club community. The link’s waiting for you in our show notes.
Monika [00:14:39] Also, don’t forget to connect with us on LinkedIn or Instagram and let us know: What was one helpful thought or insights you gained from this episode?
Have any questions or ideas for us? Head over to our LinkedIn, our Instagram pages and tell us we read every submission and would love to answer your questions in a later episodes too. So thanks for joining us.
Patrick [00:14:59] See you in the next one.
Time to read: 16 minutes
Monika [00:00:07] This is the Pioneers Club podcast.
Patrick [00:00:09] The community podcast for driven entrepreneurs and leaders.
Monika [00:00:13] Here you can connect with like minded people, create a sense of belonging and gain more agency in your daily life. Hi, my name is Monica and I’m your host. I help entrepreneurs and leaders with big ideas go from feeling overwhelmed, scared and confused to being clear headed, confident and focused as they go after their goals. I’m a mental and systemic coach and primarily focus on topics such as resilience, agency, high performance and goal pursuit, helping my clients thrive in their business with more ease.
Patrick [00:00:47] And I’m your co-host, Patrick. I’m an entrepreneur in the fast paced media industry, and I help people tell stories as a producer and production manager. I work with a global network of partners to create engaging content, combining media and technology to create value and impact. I went or that through the topics of our podcast, just like you and will try to ask the questions you might have.
Monika [00:01:14] So if I told you that more than 10% of your thoughts are comparative in nature, meaning that you compare yourself to others or yourself in one way or another, what would you say?
Patrick [00:01:25] I would try to find a way to confirm these numbers because I would literally not believe you.
Monika [00:01:31] Well, this is exactly what a study found that was made at the University of Pennsylvania. It found that 12% of all thoughts are comparative, meaning that you compare yourself to others to who you could have been or what you could have achieved, what you could have done, or to some version of yourself that is in the past or in the future.
Patrick [00:01:53] So I’m spending 12% of all my thoughts a day on something that we’re basically taught is not that great because everyone’s saying, stop comparing yourself.
Monika [00:02:04] Which is a very common misconception, right? Because comparison does have a purpose.
On the one hand, it can be this negative thing that triggers self-doubt, self-worth issues. But on the other hand, we also know that if we are the only ones doing something, feeling a certain way or thinking a certain way, we feel lonely. We lack a sense of belonging and we lack orientation. Comparison has a very important purpose.
And this is actually something that a cognitive psychologist, Leon Festinger, already claimed and developed in his social comparison theory in 1954. He claimed that we need to compare ourselves to others when we evaluate our abilities, our opinions, our skill sets, our progress and development, especially if it’s not possible to test it directly (so to experiment and get real results or feedback). We need others to orient ourselves in this way.
Patrick [00:03:05] So we need it to improve ourselves.
Monika [00:03:08] Yes, we need it to learn, grow, improve ourselves. And this is actually one of the purposes.
Monika [00:03:11] So you have these two types of comparison, upward and downward comparison.
Upward comparison means that you compare yourself to people who are doing better or who you perceive as doing better than you are. These are role models, ideals, whoever you think about. And you would usually say in social comparison theory that you look up to these people and compare yourself to them in order to on the one hand, it’s by yourself, but also to improve yourself by watching them and learning from them.
And on the other hand, then you have the downward comparison, which also has a very important purpose, where you compare yourself to someone who is not doing as well as you, or at least you perceive him or her as not doing as well as you. And the purpose of this kind of comparison is to self-regulate, self-soothe, in order to remind you of your own progress and feel better about yourself.
Patrick [00:04:12] Couldn’t that be dangerous to some degree when you compare yourself? Upward comparison, you said, has some benefits because you want to improve yourself. The downward comparison is a sort of regulating yourself. But couldn’t both be a bit dangerous, especially when we talk about social media being part of this comparison right now and changes how we compare ourselves to others, how often we do it, it distorts the comparison a bit, right?
Monika [00:04:40] Definitely. So there have always been and I think there will always be benefits and dangers to comparison.
So, yes, you get information on how you well you are doing and how well you are progressing if you find the right person to compare yourself with.
But you can also experience significant dangers in growing even more judgmental towards yourself or towards others. You can be overly competitive. You can compare yourself to people who are not really aligned with your goals, with your values, or even with your needs. So you compare yourself to someone who is just not a good role model or example of measurement for you. Not a bad role model in the goal itself, but in how to achieve that goal let’s phrase it like this.
Patrick [00:05:29] So there’s actually one example that I want to bring into that because it’s something that I experienced myself when I connected to someone from my industry, and it’s someone who has been working in the industry longer than I have, has more experience than I have. But the moment you are bombarded on social media with photos or posts about everything is going well all the time and you start comparing yourself and asking the questions, What could I have done differently? What could I have done better? It can actually be very frustrating to have that comparison in front of you all the time.
Monika [00:06:06] I would actually say that this might be because you don’t really get a lot of information on social media about what they are doing or how they got to the point where they are now or what the reality of their experience is. It doesn’t give you a lot of information.
Just like you said, you want to improve “How can I achieve that?” or “How can I get to the point where they are?” If you are seeing these pictures, they are just like this ideal, but you don’t get any feedback or advice or guidance on the steps that you can take towards that.
So the gap between where you are and where they are can seem overwhelming. Of course, then you would feel bad about yourself. This is one of the biggest dangers and one of the biggest consequences of unintentional comparison that I see and that I work with, with my clients as well is feeling bad about yourself, even if you have no reason to feel bad about yourself simply because you have these superficial or exaggerated ideals that you compare yourself to.
Patrick [00:07:09] I think it’s also something that I found out preparing for this episode when I went through my own social feed and looked at it from this top view, this meta view, and then think about how your posts could react to other people. And when I go back to having a big project in the past and then look at the pictures, you don’t see the struggles. You don’t see what I went through on a daily basis, how I felt getting up in the morning and that it took a few years to actually get all of this done so you can be there to take that one photo. So it’s a huge distortion of reality, actually.
Monika [00:07:48] Well, it just shows you the peaks and not the climb towards the peaks.
And even those who show the climb towards the peaks, they just can’t – and it’s okay – they can’t show you everything. They, it’s not as a reality show.
But if this is the only thing that you compare yourself to or if you compare yourself exaggeratedly to it because you have to work with these tools, you have to be online. A lot of people that we know, a lot of entrepreneurs can’t really choose to turn off social media. If you are at this moment of grinding, right? You are in this moment of climbing the mountain and you are consistently seeing people showing you their peaks, their pictures of maybe not only the mountain that you are trying to climb, but the next mountain, which is even higher, and that you know that you aspire to climb at one point as well and that you should climb as well. Then, there is a lot of pressure that forms a pressure of what am I doing wrong? Because everyone seems to be at these peaks with ease.
And this is something that I hear a lot of the time when people talk to me and I have been part of a circle of entrepreneurs, coaching different entrepreneurs in a network, and it’s so fun to hear when people come to me and compare themselves to other clients of mine and tell me how easy it is for them and how natural they are and why, what is it that they have that they don’t have? But we don’t see it and we compare our grind to their peaks.
Patrick [00:09:23] But also I think it can be quite helpful to have some sort of comparison even on social media. And again, I’m speaking from experience when I see certain people, so I’m being pushed a little bit.
Monika [00:09:36] Yes. So actually there has been another study that I have found in researching this episode where it has been shown that there are great benefits if you use social media in terms of comparing yourself correctly. And this is in ways of using it for “friendly competition”.
What does this mean? Well, they took a group of people who wanted to exercise more and who wanted to do more regular practices of workouts or going to the fitness center. And they looked into what would support these people most. Is it a support network that would just offer some kind of emotional encouragement? Is it leaving them alone and just doing things on their own? Or is it putting them in a group where there would be a certain competition by seeing how often others are going to the fitness center, how often others are working out and seeing their results in order to push yourself as well?
Patrick [00:10:35] It’s a gentle push to work more to compare yourself to the goals of others.
Monika [00:10:40] To remind yourself of what is possible for you as well.
The important thing here is that the support network, just in the encouragement style of support, was the least efficient way of supporting people to actually work out more. It was way more effective to just leave them alone, actually. But the best way to actually support people was to give them this kind of friendly competition where they would get encouragement, but also this way of comparing themselves and getting a way of pushing themselves.
If we were able to find this way of friendly competition for us as entrepreneurs, I think this would be a great way to reap the benefits of comparison, but also then to avoid the risks.
Patrick [00:11:30] It’s also something our support network can provide.
Monika [00:11:34] Yes, I think it might be easier if you have the people face to face or if you have a very designated group where people are of a certain mindset that you know that you relate to where they have similar goals.
So this is also something that social comparison theory knows that if we compare ourselves to people who are just too different on certain parameters, for us, the comparison doesn’t work anymore, so we don’t really learn from them anymore, but also we don’t compare ourselves in a negative way to them anymore because they are just too different.
Having this way of connecting with people to really have this check in, to have this orientation – definitely it will benefit you. I would say much more than social media in general, because this superficiality, of course, is just something that is in the nature of social media.
Patrick [00:12:26] And it’s not really helping in that instance. You need honest and open conversations so that you can be authentic about the issues, but also overcome those issues.
Patrick [00:12:37] So what do I do if I haven’t found that positive approach yet?
Monika [00:12:42] Well, if comparison is still a source of self-doubt and rather negative emotions or experiences for you, it would be important first to identify the trigger.
What is it that started this kind of circle of self-doubt? And what is it that started you to compare yourself? Try to find out, why is it that you are feeling negative about it?
Because sometimes it can be just a justified feeling of frustration, but sometimes it can be a feeling of trying to motivate your and then having this superficiality and then even feeling more frustrated because you’re not motivating yourself, but even feeling worse about yourself. So a little bit… identifying the trigger and recognizing just what is happening at this moment.
Patrick [00:13:30] So when we bring this back to social media, there are a lot of people, especially if we think back to our event, who can’t turn off social media because they need it for work. So they actually will always compare themselves because they are seeing the content nonstop. So what is your advice to them?
Monika [00:13:49] Two things.
First, take time to become aware of your own strengths and really focus on yourself again. If you are doing a lot on social media and being bombarded with other people’s performance and other people’s results, you have to take the time to acknowledge your own wins and not just focus on the external. So this is the first point that I would do it, make it a ritual, or do something like with a friend, with a coach, whoever you need, to go back to acknowledging your own progress and strength.
The second strategy that I would offer you as well is one that I have found as well in a study where they have shown that if people compare themselves not to the number one performing person in a field, but to the seventh best performing person in a field, this comparison effect goes away.
If you compare yourself to someone who is doing well, but who is still learning themselves and who still has space for improvement, this might give you a lot more information, but also a lot more self awareness in being able to acknowledge that others are also just growing and learning as you are. So maybe it’s a little bit easier to consume that comparison then.
But as always, there is not a one size fits all solution. You need to try it out. And one thing that everyone can try to get to a better understanding of how to deal with their own way of comparing themselves is to simply try and identify what kind of comparison am I actually engaging in right now.
If you’re observing yourself, comparing yourself to someone or something and you feel good about it and it motivates you and you are inspired to improve and learn, try to intensify these kinds of comparisons. Try to look for more people who are similar to this person.
If you are finding that another kind of comparison is actually lowering your self-esteem, making you feel bad, making you feel limited or in some way restricting you, try to identify who are you comparing yourself to in this situation and then avoid these kinds of comparison. But trying to avoid comparison overall, I think this is too much to ask.
Patrick [00:16:11] And this is just something that everyone has to learn to deal with. It’s just a natural thing we all have to work on.
Patrick [00:16:22] If you enjoyed this episode, share it with your fellow entrepreneurs so they can listen too. Simply grab the link to this episode or grab the link to the podcast and send it to them. If you’re looking to join our tribe of movers and shakers, to gain a sense of belonging and get fresh ideas and insights, be sure to join our Pioneers club community. The link is waiting for you in our show notes.
Monika [00:16:41] Also, don’t forget to connect with us on LinkedIn or Instagram and let us know: What was one helpful thought or insights gained from this episode?
Have any questions or ideas for us? Head over to our LinkedIn or Instagram pages, and tell us. We read every submission and would love to answer your questions in a later episode too. So thanks for joining us.
Patrick [00:17:01] See you in the next one.
Time to read: 17 minutes
Monika [00:00:07] This is the Pioneers Club podcast.
Patrick [00:00:09] The community podcast for driven entrepreneurs and leaders.
Monika [00:00:13] Here you can connect with like minded people, create a sense of belonging and gain more agency in your daily life. Hi, my name is Monica and I’m your host. I help entrepreneurs and leaders with big ideas go from feeling overwhelmed, scared and confused to being clear headed, confident and focused as they go after their goals. I’m a mental and systemic coach and primarily focus on topics such as resilience, agency, high performance and goal pursuit, helping my clients thrive in their business with more ease.
Patrick [00:00:47] And I’m your co-host, Patrick. I’m an entrepreneur in the fast paced media industry, and I help people tell stories as a producer and production manager. I work with a global network of partners to create engaging content, combining media and technology to create value and impact. I went or that through the topics of our podcast, just like you, and we’ll try to ask the questions you might have.
Patrick [00:01:15] So this week we’re talking about a topic that we all know we’ve all been through. We are all dealing with it. It’s called self-doubt. Why are we talking about it?
Monika [00:01:25] Well, this is the number one request that I get to talk about, actually, when it comes to as well as speaking offers. But also, it was one of the most universally agreed on topics in our life event. And it is one of the most universal challenges that I see new clients.
Patrick [00:01:44] And as we’ve talked about in preparing this episode, it’s one of the most complex issues, actually.
Monika [00:01:50] Well, it shows up in so many different ways and there are so many different sources that there is no one answer to it. There are so many facets to consider which makes it so confusing as well, and which is maybe even why people feel so confused when it comes to dealing with a topic or how to take a more empowered approach to this topic. Because all the absolute answers that try to give you one, two, three step process will likely work for some, but not for everyone. And for those who it doesn’t work for, it will then be to even more complications. Maybe, but for those who it works for, it can also then self-doubt can show up in other ways if you don’t really acknowledge the complexity of it. So we will try to keep this very practical and not go into everything while giving you a little bit of an introduction into the complexity of it as well.
Patrick [00:02:47] And we also said that self-doubt is something that we will talk about in all of our future episodes because it’s one form that we will experience with all the other issues that we’re talking about.
Monika [00:03:00] Yes, it’s just one way that a lot of other issues are underlying issues or questions or goals needs can show up as.
Patrick [00:03:09] So then let’s dive into our introduction to self-doubt. What is it actually?
Monika [00:03:14] What’s this experience of second guessing yourself all the time? Questioning your abilities, questioning your qualifications, questioning your choices, and questioning yourself as a person? This is already then where we go into the question that people ask, Am I good enough? Not only is my skillset good enough, is what I’m doing good enough, but and I as a person, good enough.
Patrick [00:03:40] But that’s mostly negative connotation. What is the good thing about self-doubt?
Monika [00:03:45] Well, most people won’t experience us as a good thing, right? So it’s this very negative experience that you have. It’s very uncomfortable as well. In fact, though, it can be a healthy sign as well, because if you are very interested and driven and visionary and I know that this is true for the two of us, but also for our listeners, then you will constantly go out of your comfort zone. You will constantly look for ways to grow, to learn, to try new things, to broaden your horizon. And with this, there will always come this moment of doing something for the first time, trying something new, and just getting the feedback of, Hey, this is something that I’m not really efficient yet. This is something that I’m not familiar with. And self-doubt in these moments can really be just a good moment of reality. Check to check in with yourself and be like, Wait a second, is there something that I have still to learn? Is there something that I have still to research or get information from others?
Patrick [00:04:49] So it’s basically a system of checks and balances to improve myself.
Monika [00:04:53] Yes, it can be. This is why I always like to do a reality check with my clients first before we pathologize the thing, the whole topic, or we make it more about a personal limitation because sometimes it really is a very healthy way of dealing with reality, which is just new for you. I would be much more worried if people went into new things, went out of their comfort zone and were completely naive or arrogant all the time. Right. So there is this possibility that you are just checking in with yourself and really appreciating reality for what it is doesn’t mean that you need to let it stop you, though, right? If you acknowledge that this is this self-doubt is just a sign of you needing to learn something or do something, then just go learn and do it. If it does stop you, if it does hint more towards a personal limitation, then you will want to look at other needs that might be hidden behind that.
Patrick [00:05:51] Maybe that’s already what we should discuss next. Where is the self-doubt coming from?
Monika [00:05:57] Usually when people ask this question, they hope to answer two questions with one answer, and this is Where is the self-doubt coming from and how do I deal with it? The answer is not the same, though. So let’s address first the where does the self-doubt come from, really? And I’m sorry to say, but just like we said before, it really is complex. There is no one source that will justify all kinds of self-doubt for all people. There can be so many situations and experiences that might trigger self-doubt. It can be something that you have learned from your family system, from your working environment. It can be something that you have internalized from other people talking about you or other people talking about themselves. It can be that you are overwhelmed. It can be that you have fear of success. So there is so much, which is also why people get so confused. If you are trying to answer, how do they deal with it? In this way, you will get even more confused and then you will start doubting yourself even more probably.
Patrick [00:07:05] And I guess it’s also everyone has probably dozens of different reasons for their own self-doubt.
Monika [00:07:12] Yes, it can be a complex mix of things and there may be one core need, but to filter that out through a variety of experiences that you are still emotionally connected to, this is just a challenge to work through by yourself.
Patrick [00:07:28] But do I have to figure out where exactly it’s coming from in order to deal with it?
Monika [00:07:34] As a coach, I’m more focused on the solutions and on the present. Of course, the source is important because it will change how you want to approach a topic and what you want to focus. But the misconception is that you need to find out first where it is coming from to then deal with it. And sometimes, or oftentimes it’s actually the other way around by getting active and starting to deal with it, you will gather the information and find the answers that will lead you to this source, and then you are even more empowered. So it’s a little bit of a twisted approach and people’s perspective, but so much more enriching and informative because you’re dealing with your reality and not just some theoretical psychological concept.
Patrick [00:08:20] And on that cue, that’s actually perfect for our coaching input for this episode because we were talking about keeping it a bit more practical this episode. So let’s dive into what can you give our listeners to help them deal with self-doubt? Yes, we know there’s not one single source of truth. There’s no one right answer. But what can they start doing to address it?
Monika [00:08:43] My tip is to find your own recipe, to deal with your individual manifestation of self doubt. Because just like we already said, you won’t probably get rid of it once and for all. It’s something that will show up continuously again and again whenever you grow and whenever you have like a big step or something. But the efficiency and the mastery comes in when you know how to deal with it and when you know how to live with it in a way where it becomes more of a partner in crime and an informant compared to someone who is opposed to everything that you do. And that is resistance, right?
Patrick [00:09:21] I’m sure you have some guidance for our listener.
Monika [00:09:23] Well, I’m going to give you a little introduction that people can do into developing their own recipe. We already started with the first point in our last episode. First point is always start observing yourself, start observing your experience of self doubt. In psychology, we like to talk about the inner parts. So this self doubt is part of you and I would advise everyone to start really taking notes on where and when this part shows up. When does it get triggered? How does it get triggered? Does it get triggered by experiences, by moments? Does it get triggered by people? Comparison Perfect example of how to trigger self doubt. When does it get triggered? How does it then show up? Does it show up like this inner voice that is telling you that you’re not good enough, that you can do it? Or is it showing up like physical nervousness, like cold hands and wet hands, like avoidance, procrastination. I know for a few clients, analysis paralysis is the way that self-doubt really loves to work.
Patrick [00:10:30] But what do I do then when I have all my observations, I have let’s just say I have my notes, I have sweaty hands. Sometimes I like to avoid some things, I procrastinate. What do I do with this information?
Monika [00:10:43] So this is where you take a little bit of a counterintuitive approach and ask yourself, how is it good that this is happening? What does having self-doubt in this way – what does having cold hands or doubting myself in this moment to hold back – what does this allow me to do?
Patrick [00:11:02] Can I even do that by myself? You’re a coach. You’re used to helping people go to that point to find a good. But how can I do that myself?
Monika [00:11:11] Well, it takes a little bit of practice. I’m going to be honest. This is not an easy question to answer. There is a lot of resistance that comes up with this. First of all, because people oftentimes feel as if having a reason for something means having an excuse for it to stay this way. And they don’t want that. Of course we don’t want that. But this doesn’t mean that. It just means acknowledging that there is a purpose, a need that is trying to be fulfilled by you behaving in this way. And once you know that, you can change your approach, but of course, it’s easier if someone can help you. However, if you are able to bring yourself to go into a more curious state and observe yourself as if you were observing your best friend, for example, then you might find it easier to take a little bit of a humorous approach and even provoke yourself a little bit. I don’t know. For some people, this works very well to provoke themselves in a way where they would get themselves to acknowledge a very good phrase to use. Even though I find it hard to accept this, the good in experiencing self doubt might be and then try to answer it. And in most cases you will find that it is either a protection mechanism, it is trying to keep you safe because you feel that in some way or another you are going to be threatened or it will be something that you have learned and you are just staying loyal to a version of yourself or to the system. The family that has taught you that this is the way to behave with yourself, with others, whatever environment you’re in. It is not easy to find the purpose. It is not easy to find the good. But I promise you, there is something to it. We don’t do things without a reason.
Patrick [00:12:55] And whatever have the purpose. Then we’ve had step one, observation, step two, finding the purpose. We have that now, and people have answered it for themselves. What do I do with that purpose, then?
Monika [00:13:07] Okay, so now you have two options. First option, try to fulfill this need and this purpose in another way. Try to take care of it. Just like if you knew that you will be hungry after 5 hours and you go on a hike, you would take something to eat with you, wouldn’t you? So if you know that you have this need for protection, try to take care of it in advance. Take care of your mental and emotional needs. If this doesn’t work, if the resistance is too strong, you can go into a little bit of a different approach and ask yourself what is the cost of being loyal and listening to my self doubt? What is this costing me? Because oftentimes the self doubt will be very good at showing us how we might embarrass ourselves if we did what we want to do, how we might fail. But we don’t have this mirror on the other side to look at. Okay, what is the cost of staying this way in self doubt? And once you feel the costs rising and you get more aware of it, you will be more activated probably to do something against self doubt. And then you can come back to the purpose and try to fulfill it in another way.
Patrick [00:14:16] That doesn’t really sound like an easy thing to do, though. It might be just three steps that you just told us, but it’s still extremely hard, probably for the first time, just to observe yourself, take the judgment and the emotions out. So practice, practice, practice, probably.
Monika [00:14:31] Yes, it is. It is not that hard once you know how to do it. But of course, if you’re stuck in this experience and it feels just so close and intimate right now, of course it’s going to be hard to go through this process in this moment. My tip would be find someone who can make it humorous for you. Humor is one of the best ways to shift your perception of something. And if you feel that everything is closing and the things are getting too tight and too tense. Humor is such a great way to lighten things up and to open up your mind and perception again. I laughed so much with my clients when it comes to the inner critic or the little devil that we talk about, because once you know that this is just a part of you that is trying to protect you or fulfill a need, and it is doing so in a very clumsy way, it becomes so much more fun to find new ways of dealing with it.
Patrick [00:15:28] So it’s a bit of taking it serious that there is something, but taking yourself not too serious while doing it.
Monika [00:15:35] Yes, that’s beautiful. That’s a beautiful way of phrasing it. Take it serious in a way that you will not oversimplify it. Oh, I just need to tell myself affirmations. If this works for you. If you have tried it, go for it. In my experience, affirmations will often not work if you have not done the foundational work.
Patrick [00:15:53] It’s a bit too simple.
Monika [00:15:54] It’s a little bit too simple, too fast. On the other hand, don’t take yourself too seriously in this experience because it is just you trying to do something with your self and you just don’t know yet how to do it.
Patrick [00:16:10] That’s also what we’re here for. We are trying to provide a support network for everyone who’s joining our community to not go through that process alone.
Monika [00:16:19] Yes. So this is what I would hope that we give people with this episode as well. A little introduction into the topic, but also a little bit more of an empowered and actionable episode with a cheeky twist. Maybe a humorous introduction into not taking it, not taking yourself in this experience too seriously so you are more flexible again.
Patrick [00:16:39] And maybe some of our listeners would like to share some of their experiences with us. Maybe they want to share with us how they experience going through your coaching input, for instance.
Monika [00:16:49] Yes, definitely. I would be really happy to hear if there are any questions, but also if there are just stories to share because in sharing we also know that it becomes so much easier to deal with a topic.
Patrick [00:17:01] If you enjoyed this episode. Share it with your fellow entrepreneurs so they can listen to simply grab the link to this episode or grab the thing to the podcast and send it to them. If you’re looking to join our tribe of movers and shakers to gain a sense of belonging and get fresh ideas and insights, be sure to join our Pioneers club community. The links waiting for you in our show.
Monika [00:17:21] Also, don’t forget to connect with us on LinkedIn or Instagram and let us know. What was one helpful thought or insights you gained from this episode? Have any questions or ideas for us? Head over to our LinkedIn, our Instagram pages, and tell us we read every submission and would love to answer your questions in a later episodes too. So thanks for joining us.
Patrick [00:17:41] See you in the next one.
Time to read: 10 minutes
Two days back from my vacation and I knew that I had to share this story with you.
It’s the story about how I overcame my fear – and what you can learn from that to overcome your own.
Read moreTime to read: 8 minutes
Just a few minutes into our call, my client took a deep breath.
Looking down at her hands, she mumbled the one sentence that I hear most often as a mental coach.
“You must think I’m crazy, but…” before confessing something that she’d been struggling with for quite some time.
Let me give you a little bit of context:
Anne (changed her name for privacy reasons) is a gorgeous, smart, energetic, and witty young woman. After starting her business just a few months ago, she is all in and committed to her vision.
She has spent years learning her craft and obviously knows what she’s doing. Every day, she thinks of new ways to over deliver on her promises and serve her students – and it shows!
Not only is she getting great feedback, but even her students are already hitting their first milestones and texting her to share their achievements.
At the same time, since she started her own business, she can’t help but feel small. Helpless. Doubtful.
She’s excited and inspired, but also scared and insecure.
And she judges herself for that. She feels like she should be positive and convinced all of the time – after all she believes in what she does, doesn’t she?
The crazy thing, though, is: there’s nothing crazy or strange about that! It’s perfectly normal.
You can be both competent and convinced, and insecure at the same time. I see it happen with nearly all of my clients.
And there are very good reasons why you might be feeling this way.
Read moreTime to read: 8 minutes
Have you ever caught yourself writing one to-do-list after the other, strategizing & planning the “best” course of action…
… only to find that – whenever you’re finally ready to sit down and actually get it done – you are more confused than ever and keep returning to the “clarify”, “research” or “find out” tasks again and again and again?
If that’s you and it has been keeping you from moving forward for quite some time – well, you might be stuck in “analysis paralysis”.
Analysis paralysis is a state in which we overthink and overanalyze a situation up to the point where we feel so confused and overwhelmed that we’re unable to make a decision or move forward.
Now, in an honest attempt to fight off this state of confusion, most of us look for even more information to find possible answers. Somehow we’re hoping to find the missing pieces that will make everything ‘click’.
However, this intensifies the whole overthinking situation and only leads to a toxic cycle!
In the end, you’re left drained, exhausted, anxious and might even consider giving up the whole dam* thing altogether. (I get it, I’ve been there more than once.)
BUT
Before you do that, before you give up on your whole idea, let’s take a step back.
Because I’ve got some good news for you: More information isn’t going to solve the problem, so you can stop obsessing and relax.
The bad news? More information isn’t going to solve the problem, so you have to stop obsessing and relax.
In order to break through this stuck state, what you really need to do is move beyond the obvious (the topic at hand, the specific questions you’re trying to find answers to, etc.) and look at the real issue at hand.
The only way to overcome analysis paralysis is to identify & face what is actually driving you to overthink in this way.
Now, facing the main issue won’t be comfortable.
In fact, it might even be more scary and painful than staying in this rut and adding layer after layer of information until you’re completely overwhelmed.
HOWEVER
If you do muster up the courage to face and work through the REAL issue, you now have a chance to finally break through this paralysis and move forward.
The confusion will finally be able to give way, just like a fog that has been lifted, and you’ll be able to take powerful & inspired steps towards your goal.
SO let’s look at the real issue. At what might be driving your analysis paralysis on a deeper level so you can finally free yourself from it and move forward.
In my experience, having worked with plenty of high achievers and driven individuals, it’s most often one of the following causes:
Fear of failure, fear of the Unknown, fear of judgment, fear in all shapes and sizes.
Fear might be influencing you on both a conscious and subconscious level, leaving you scared of actually taking action and/or the possible consequences of it.
Overanalyzing then could be your attempt to distract yourself, procrastinate on the real action, and give yourself juuust a little bit more leeway, so you don’t have to fully step into this fear quite yet.
OR it could be your way of steeling yourself and preparing yourself for what you dread might happen. However, the more you overthink, the more you worry and add to your fear.
What you actually need to do in these cases is face the fear itself in a strategic way (so you don’t get overwhelmed) and potentially also strengthen your resourcefulness and support network.
If cognitive dissonance is driving your need to overthink, it means that you might have other goals, values, beliefs, or needs that are in conflict with what you’re trying to do.
Even if this happens subconsciously, cognitive dissonance puts you under a lot of internal pressure, so your trying to analyze and find answers might just be an attempt to diffuse the pressure and “get a grasp” on why you feel so torn. Oftentimes, though, you won’t find the answer that way. Instead, you have to go within, recognize which factors are in conflict and find a way to unite them. (And don’t worry, that sounds way more complicated than it really is.)
This is a concept that I talk a lot about with my clients in my coaching programs.
Basically, when it comes to complex and confusing situations where everything is somehow connected, the solution is not to try and solve EVERYTHING one by one (which most “focus on one thing” approaches will tell you to do!).
There are just too many things that influence each other and are way too important for you to neglect them, right? I get it.
So, what to do?
A better way to approach this is to identify your core ‘change driver’ as I call it. This is the one piece of the puzzle that is connected to will make the biggest difference RIGHT NOW. These elements have the biggest catalyst potential and should be your main focus so you can start seeing some traction and begin moving forward.
Now, if I were your coach, this would be my main focus without even telling you. I would start looking for your most important 2-3 change drivers already during your onboarding. By the time we would sit down for our first session then, we would already have an idea of your key change drivers and also how we want to influence them in order to create instant, positive change in a desired direction. Now, if you are on your own and don’t have a coach who can support you in doing this, it is up to you to gain clarity on the one to two most important elements, your change drivers.
The fourth major cause of analysis paralysis that I see in working with my clients is decision fatigue. Decision fatigue is a psychological term to describes a state in which you’ve exhausted your cognitive capacities to such a degree that you simply have no more willpower or energy left to make yet another difficult decision.
What do I mean by that? Well, your willpower and cognitive capacities are limited, just like a battery that – once you’ve used it up – has to be recharge before you can turn it on again.
Your cognitive capacities and willpower are no different. Basically, it means that you’ve spent all your time, energy, and creativity on other decisions (big or small) which simply leaves no more capacities for any more decisions. This is a major driver of analysis paralysis as you realistically can’t determine anymore what to focus on or what to do.
And before you go belittling yourself – that’s absolutely normal! We all get decision fatigue if we’re not careful. The only way to deal with it then is to step back, recharge, reduce the noise and then get back to it.
Now, this fifth driver may feel very much like the first one (fear), but if you look closer, it’s a little bit different.
It doesn’t focus so much on external consequences so trying to rule out external threats won’t make any difference. Rather, it’s rooted in you feeling like you’re not completely able to rely on and trust yourself.
Maybe you’ve had some painful experiences, maybe you’re overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility and risk that your new project entails, or maybe you’re aware of some self-sabotaging patterns that you have so you know that you might just let yourself down a little bit.
Whatever it is, this one’s a little bit tricky because no amount of analyzing or planning will be able to resolve this trust issue. My advice? Sit yourself down and have an honest conversation and even negotiation with yourself. Depending on how deeply rooted this lack of self-trust is, you might just have to prove to yourself that you’ll keep showing up and that you are going to be able to trust yourself. This is a slower, but also deeply satisfying and fulfilling process, so by any means – don’t avoid it! There’s gold on the other side of this tunnel.
I’ll use a metaphor that one of my clients used and that I absolutely LOVE because, well, it just perfectly describes the feeling of what comes next:
Your brain will be able to breathe again.
You’ll finally be able to take action, to move beyond this stagnant and depressing state.
Instead, you’ll be able to jump forward right here and now.
And guess what? The mother of all feedback – the information you truly need to make progress – is action.
So, once you shift into this new mode, you’ll see your productivity and progress skyrocket.
So, tell me: are you ready to face your real issue?
Are you ready to get rid of analysis paralysis and move forward with new-found momentum?
If so, hop on over to Instagram and tag me or DM to tell me -which of those causes do you think is stopping you and how are you going to combat it?
I’m so proud of you for showing up for yourself in this way and I can’t wait to see you shine brightly.
Don’t forget, I’m rooting for you!
I’m an ex-business executive, mental coach, systemic counselor and purpose-driven change agent. Welcome to my virtual home!
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